October 30, 2014 Thursday Evening, Geneva Retreat
Q&A
Aaron: Good evening. My blessings and love to you. Schedules and planning offered as support can be helpful but not if you become a slave to them. They’re not authentic to the needs of the moment. So we put the intended talk aside and address what’s coming up for you immediately in this moment, your specific questions in our “in” basket. .
(reading) “Sometimes I’m finding the urge to cry during meditation. It seems unrelated to the predominant object, but it’s there suddenly, becoming the predominant object. Should I just allow it, get swept away in that? What I’ve been doing is just noting “urge to cry,” and then it ceases and I move along. I’m wondering, since it keeps coming up, if something is trying to release, or what might be going on here.”
The impulse to cry, the urge to cry, is one kind of object. The actual experience of crying is another object. You’re present with the primary object, be it breath or nada or spaciousness, and suddenly there’s an intense need to cry, an urge to cry. Of course note it. It is then the predominant object. Be aware of it. Breathing in, and experiencing a strong urge to cry. Breathing out, and present with that urge.
You don’t have to figure out where it’s coming from. “Why do I want to cry? What’s going on?” That’s just the ego trying to take control. Here is an object. It’s not any different than if you suddenly had a strong pain in your jaw. Pain, pain, throbbing. It’s very strong. It’s predominant. The urge to cry, the sensation in the jaw, a very vivid memory, in this moment these are predominant. How does the urge to cry feel in the body? Where do you experience it? How are you relating to it?
We distinguish between the direct experience of the object and any stories that arise around the object. If there’s a strong pain in the jaw, it will probably be unpleasant. We know it’s unpleasant. That’s part of knowing the object. Then if strong aversion to this object comes up, we note aversion, aversion. “I don’t want this pain.” The not wanting the pain is not the pain itself. Which one is predominant in this moment, the sensation or the aversion to the sensation? How does the aversion feel in your body? How are you relating to it?
Actually this is not different than my talk! (laughter) I was going to start with this reading, so I’m going to read it (Human). On the prior page it said:
You will find beauty and ugliness, joy and sorrow, courage and cowardice, generosity and clinging, compassion and hatred, even life and death.
None of these are dual in any way. They are the myriad faces of the self. They are the faces of God.
Since all of these expressions will arise, the work of the incarnation is not to eradicate that which seems negative but to learn from it.”
Not to try to eradicate the urge to cry, or the crying itself.
We learn through presence with it, not trying to fix it or control it. Not making it go away. Not enacting it.
If what came up is not urge to cry but rage, we don’t enact the rage. If urge to cry has arisen and crying begins, we don’t enhance it with thoughts of, “Poor me. Everything’s falling apart,” and all those stories of sadness or fear. The stories are not the experience of sadness or emotion that led to crying. And sometimes there doesn’t even seem to be strong emotion behind the crying. We don’t know what’s catalyzing it; it just comes. Back to Human.
The work is not to eradicate but to learn from it.
In this learning, the heart opens.
That which was experienced as negative is disempowered.
When the war with it ceases, it dies its own natural death.
Here is where misunderstanding brings some confusion.
Each of you views the divine, however you name that, as perfect, and seeks to duplicate that perfection in the self, so that the self will feel itself to be a worthy expression of divinity, free of shadow.
There is such deep aspiration to enact that clarity, such yearning in this way to come home.
Lost in the yearning, you forget what you are, that you are already perfect in the core of your being.
And that the illusion of shadow is but an incarnative tool to bring that inherent perfection into awareness.
So here is the urge to cry, and it’s seen as something other than. “Something’s wrong. I need to take care of this urge to cry. If I give into it, I’ll just burst out sobbing.” Nothing is “other than.” Certain conditions are present which have given rise to the urge to cry or the actual crying. There is a direct experience. As long as you are not harming another person– and by crying in the meditation hall you are not harming other people. Sometimes you’re helping people to open their own hearts. Don’t be upset about making noise in the meditation hall by crying. It’s okay.
What is the direct experience? Tension, contraction, sadness, or maybe opening, maybe the crying is coming and the urge is coming because the heart is breaking open. It’s been so closed up and suddenly you’re giving it permission to burst open, and there’s an urge to cry. You do not need to figure it out. In this moment, either the urge to cry or the crying itself is predominant. If it’s crying, know there’s crying. How does it feel in the body? Where is the sensation in the body? Beyond in the eyes and the sinuses, where is the sensation of the heart opening in this way, breaking in this way? Ahhh, giving so much love to this being, who in this moment is moved to tears for some reason or another.
When the urge to cry passes, whether it passes immediately when you note it or if noting it simply seems to stimulate it and the tears run down, eventually it will cease. It is a conditioned object, impermanent. It will pass away. Here you gain wisdom into the nature of conditioned experience. When it is no longer predominant, return to the primary object.
A second question here from the same person, but a different question. I’m reading these two because I think they relate for many of you.
“I’m experiencing a lot of pain and tension in my neck and shoulders. Usually I would have this worked on, massage, at home. Is there something that I can do while in meditation besides just paying attention to it, that can help release the tension?”
If your intention is to release the tension in terms of, “This is uncomfortable. I have to fix it,” you’re just going to create more tension. There is a lot that you can do. First we explore a simple push and what happens when you’re pushed.
(demonstrating pushing arms) Q pushing me. I might tense up. That’s going to create tension, pain in my body and neck. However, I can just note “feeling pushed” and relax into it, bringing my energy back. I don’t have to tense up because I am pushed. Thank you.
So the question here is, something, and we don’t yet know what, is arising in your meditation, coming as a visitor that you’re not sure you’re ready for; coming as a push. Your body is tensing around it. Maybe it’s some insight. Maybe it’s just the heart opening and the power of that potential heart opening. There is so much old baggage stored that your meditation has the capacity to allow you to begin to bring to the surface so it can be released.
If you’re experiencing this kind of pain, you’re probably holding yourself—I don’t want to contract this shoulder—probably holding yourself in this way, to some degree. I’m exaggerating. But begin to feel what it is that’s coming up in the heart, into consciousness, that you’re trying to hold back. Bringing attention in that way without trying to figure out what it is. Just saying, “I am willing to let it come to the surface. I invite it.” Relaxing, noting tension. That which is aware of tension is not tense.
Here we get to the second part of what you can do. Right there with the pain in the neck and back and shoulders, which is probably a long-held habitual pattern, is that which is not tense. The more you focus on trying to figure out how to fix—”I need a massage. I need some…”– this or that, grasping, the more you focus on that, the more you enhance the tension.
Right there with the tense neck and shoulders, is there a bellyache? Probably not. Headache? Probably not. Toothache? No. Do your feet hurt? Bring gratitude, shift attention from the neck and back consciously and experience gratitude for the parts of the body that are singing with ease and spaciousness. You’re not denying the pain in the neck and shoulders, you’re simply focusing attention on that which is open and spacious and saying thank you.
Then, and this next step is a bit harder, bring attention to the neck and shoulders and find right there with the contraction that which is uncontracted. Give that your attention rather than the contraction. No denial of the contraction. Awareness that it’s unpleasant, that there’s pain. But right there with the contraction and pain, feel the possibility of ease and spaciousness and say thank you. And in this way, it’s not that you stop the tension in the back and shoulders so much as you begin to develop a new pattern of relating openheartedly to the innate spaciousness that’s already there. Thus, as I just said in reading of Human, allowing the tension to resolve and go.
There are more written questions here, but I want to take some of the questions that were on the floor.
Q: In the book Human you say that fear is an expression of love. Can you talk more about that?
Aaron: If you did not have the capacity for love, you would not have the capacity to feel fear. Fear arises because you feel in some way you’re going to be separated from love, that something you love may be torn from you, or that you may be incapable of keeping the heart open.
We look at contraction and openness. This is natural for the hand. The hand can be open. You cannot receive without the hand being open. You cannot bring what has been received into the hand to you without closing and moving the hand. Open. We hold it and then we give it back out. Closed, open.
Fear and love are like that. Love is the open side of it, fear is the contracted, but they are non-dual. They are in balance to each other. And yet in speaking of it this way, it sounds like I am saying that they are equal. That’s not so. Love is the greater container. Love is always there. Like the pond in which the lotus blossom can grow. Rich mud in the bottom of the pond, and water. Without the pond, the lotus can’t grow.
I’m not saying that fear is like a lotus blossom, only that fear arises within this container of the heart. Fear is not other than love, but comes because of the heart’s ability to love.
Q: So fear arises as a condition from love?
Aaron: No, fear does not arise as a condition from love. Fear arises as a result of love. Fear is a conditioned object. It arises, as do all conditioned objects, when the conditions are present for it to arise. But one essential condition for fear is the heart’s ability to love. If the heart did not have the ability to love, there would be no fear.
Fear is a result, but it’s a slightly skewed result because it loses touch with the loving heart, cuts itself off from the loving heart. And because it cannot ground itself in the loving heart, it becomes closed, tighter and tighter and tighter. As soon as it reconnects with the loving heart, it loses all its power.
You look a bit skeptical! (laughter)
Q: I just need to think about it for a while.
Aaron: Thank you for your willingness to ask the question, for all of us.
John: Just related to this. I’m wondering with the escalation of violence and what we call terrorism in the world, is this what these terrorists are so frightened of, is love? And that’s why they are so cut off?
Aaron: Yes, yes. They’re terrified of love because love asks the heart to be open and vulnerable, and for the most part terrorists are very deeply immersed in magical and mythical consciousness, the level of consciousness that can only see separation and, “I’m right, you’re wrong. It has to be this way.” It is a very rigid kind of thinking. The heart is closed. It’s terrified of– I think of somebody walking on a thick log over a deep chasm. They can’t look around. They’ve got to cling to that log or they’re afraid they’ll fall. They’re terrified of losing their footing. They’re terrified of what might happen if the heart begins to open in compassion to others. And they have to start to question these long-held beliefs.
Q: I want to ask a question about relating to the Mother. I’m not really sure who the Mother is. And she said twice to me that I’m armored when I come up there. I want to be open to her.
Aaron: First, Q, “armored” has varying degrees. You have shed so much armor in the time I’ve known you. But for all of you some thin layers of armoring still exist. She’s simply inviting you to keep going deeper. She’s not saying that as judgment or criticism, only let’s take the last little bits of it and help to release them, more fully open the heart. So don’t read it as judgment, “Oh, I’ve got to fix this! I won’t please her if I don’t get rid of the armor!” She loves you unconditionally, as I do.
But we want for all of you the deepest opening of which you are capable in this moment. And that will vary. Sometimes there’s more fear. One moment the heart armors itself. Barbara can be very, very open, sitting and meditating in a deep space, and feel tickling on her hands and see a spider on her hand. Ah! The heart closes! Armoring! She’s not very open to spiders! If she was sitting and meditating in the same way and opened her eyes to see a ladybug, no problem. A snake, no problem. A spider, AHHH! Heart closes. So part of her work is to open her heart to these creatures.
Each of you has your figurative spider, the places where the heart closes. Just looking to see what that is.
Q: The first time that I was with her, she said if you find your heart closing, you can just call on me when you do that. And in my mind, I’m thinking, Oh, well I already have a spiritual master who, if I have a problem like that, I communicate to. So I’m wondering if she means that in the large sense, you just bump her up to your God, or should I call her directly…
Aaron: There is no difference. Your master, the Mother, Jeshua, the Buddha, all the great masters, the Divine itself in all these expressions, they are One. When she says, “Call on me,” she is saying call on the divinity that is in you, that is already in you, through whatever telephone you wish you use. Dial the number.
Who is the Mother? She tells us she is simply a variety of expressions of the Divine Mother. She comes as Kwan Yin, Mother Mary, infinite expressions of the Divine Mother. You don’t need a lot of names. They’re all one. Different expressions of the Divine Mother have different areas of strength. They’re different expressions. The lake can have a very smooth, calm expression and one of powerful waves. It can be misty or brilliant blue. These are all expression of the same lake.
She changes for each of you as you come up and take her hands. The expression that is most accessible to you through your own being and karma is the expression she takes on. It’s not a problem for her because she’s all of it. It’s like in one moment you could be smiling and the next moment frowning. In one moment you can be relaxed and another very alert. It’s all coming from you. So she comes to each of you in the form that’s most accessible to you.
Other questions?
Q: I was wondering about refining our intentions.
Aaron: Simply recite them to yourself daily. Take a few minutes to look them over and ask, is this one still on the top of the list? Is this one more deeply realized than it was some weeks or months ago? Do I still need to give this one as much attention? What is emerging?
Think of a field of flowers. You have not had the energy to weed and fertilize the whole field. You’ve got tulips coming up here, roses there, and beautiful white snowdrops over here. The tulips are in magnificent bloom. You’ve not really paid attention to the roses, but you look and see, “Oh, the tulips. I’ve been adding fertilizer to them, nutrients. I’ve been keeping them clear of weeds, and they’re so radiant and beautiful. But those roses, it looks like they need a bit of attention.” And then you bring your attention to the roses, not forgetting the tulips, but knowing this is what’s calling my attention now.
One week there might be a lot of anger and so you pay special attention to the arising of anger and find the heart that is not angry right there with the anger. And then the next week you find there’s a lot less anger, but you have not been feeling very grateful in your life. Your heart has felt a bit closed, so you shift the attention. This week a bit more nutrient toward gratitude. What is it that my life is calling forth from me? When you’re mindful, you will know. And that becomes the intention, to strengthen the expression of this or that quality in this moment.
Q: A comment, and gratitude to the work that we do together at this sangha. I notice that sitting with the Mother in meditation as people are meeting with the Mother, it’s easier for me in the high energy to rest in spaciousness and awareness. And I also notice emotional turmoil or different patterns come up, and I hold space for it. And if the Mother is talking, I allow that love to talk to the patterns. And I’m getting the impression that these patterns are not always mine. It’s like my body is reflecting the energy that is being put before the Mother before she talks. And I also have learned that when these patterns come up, my habitual tendency has been to take it personally and the heart closes, and I want to hide because I feel my heart has closed.
Aaron: So instead, as these experiences come up, work with tonglen. Instead of the heart closing, forbidding it to enter the heart, let it in. The heart doesn’t want it. Not forcing, never forcing, but inviting it into the heart. And then breathing it out and releasing it. In this way you transmute this energy, not just for yourself but for everyone.
The reason that you are affected by it is that these energies have not yet been fully purified in yourself. Someone sitting in one part of the room– let’s say there’s a lot of sadness in the room, and some people in the room have really resolved the experience of sadness. They may feel the sadness but it doesn’t affect them very much. They just breathe it in and release it. But then the mood in the room changes and there’s a lot of anger, or maybe some noise outside that’s disturbing, and people start to become agitated. The person who had plenty of space for sadness, in whom the roots of sadness are very deeply purified, perhaps the roots of anger are not yet so purified so they begin to pick up the anger in the room and experience discomfort.
It’s simply pointing out to you, ‘Ah, this is where I can do some work.” And the work is never just for you but for everyone. Doing the work means literally watching the place where you do not want to let it into your heart. Resistance, how does that resistance feel? Shrinking back from it. Judging, “I shouldn’t feel this.” Noting these different things. Ask the Mother and other loving spirit for support. Hold the intention to more fully open the heart and allow in whatever is needed in order to help purify and release this energy and the roots of this reaction. Let it go.
We’ll do a guided tonglen meditation at some point. It’s 10 of 9pm. In the interest of getting people to bed at a reasonable time, I’d like to end here. Let’s have a 20 minute sitting and get people off to bed. We will have more time for questions.
I want to say for those of you who were part of the star mediums holding the energy, each of you is unique. You are not interchangeable parts, but it’s fine to change seats and take different roles so that the person signing for Barbara can change from day to day, signing for the Mother can change. Some people are sitting close, some in the back; that can change. I want to keep two very clear strong mediums that Barbara’s used to working with sitting up close to her. She needs that for support in order to stay deeply centered with the Mother’s energy. But beyond that, it’s fine to change seats. There are others of you who can participate in the star while others move up and sit in the front row. So that’s fine, and you can arrange that yourselves tomorrow.
I would ask that J and D stay in these front seats to help support the energy. The rest of you, sit where you like. If the Mother finds it unbalanced before we start, she’ll ask you to move a little bit. And some of you who have not had that experience with the Mother, as the days go on, will move into the readiness to help hold the energy more strongly.
What’s happening is that we’re forming a container for the energy so that the Mother can rest very deep in Barbara’s body, so that it’s not a strong strain on Barbara to hold this high energy. So you’re helping the Mother to do her work, and you’re helping Barbara, keeping her from being exhausted by it afterward.
So we’ll just keep it balanced. That’s all. I’m going to release the body to Barbara. I thank you all. I love you all. Good night.
One more thing before I leave the body. I said this this afternoon but some of you were not here. Tomorrow in the journeying we will do, come with your deepest intentions, including some awareness of the parts of yourselves that have seemed to be fragmented and lost. Not feeling the deep ability to feel tenderness or compassion, to feel intimacy. Having lost the part of myself that allows me to trust myself and others, and so forth. What is it you seek on this journey? Because it will be a journey to find these, I would not say missing parts of the self, they are not missing. But they’ve drifted out of sight. Where did they go? We’ll collect them back. That’s all. Thank you.
(session ends)