October 6, 2023 Friday Afternoon, Aphasia Group
Agitation and Spaciousness; Guided Meditation
Barbara: We’ve done several different kinds of meditation together. Today, I would like to talk about meditation and stress.
This has been a stressful week for me and Hal. He fell. His right knee—that’s the paralyzed side—just bent under him when he was standing, and he fell, on Sunday. We got him up and into his recliner chair. It swelled and was painful. We put ice on it. Because I could not get a wheelchair ride for him immediately, it was Tuesday before we got it x-rayed. The x-ray shows nothing broken. He’s slowly recovering.
These things happen to all of us constantly in our lives. Everything is going smoothly, and then crash! Then it picks up, and is going smoothly again, and crash! And of course, we go with it—our emotions either go way out, or close way in. And then we struggle.
There are two different parts of this: the pain, physical and emotional, of whatever has happened, and the suffering that grows out of it.
If Hal is able to fall and sprain his knee, and his mind does not go into stories of “Oh, what will happen? Will I have to go to the hospital, to a nursing home? What will happen? Will it heal?”—it’s natural for the mind to go in those patterns. But if we can note, I think the best thing is just “mind racing, contracting, fear,” whatever it is, and begin to see ourselves able to be attentive to our experience, it goes a lot smoother than if we get emotionally caught up in it. But of course, it’s hard not to get emotionally caught up.
I think of it as two cameras inside of you. A close-up camera—Hal’s fall, and then the long day taking care of him, and then the long day at Urgent Care, and what will happen, and how do we fix it—right up close to it. And then a camera that backs up and sees the big picture. For Hal, in this situation, seeing the big picture, seeing it’s been 5 1/2 years since his stroke, which is amazing. He’s doing really well. And yes, there have been a couple of glitches, dips. But all in all, in that big, long-term camera, one can stop and see, ah, all really is well. And that doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect; just, we have the capacity to resolve whatever problems have arisen.
I’m going to make this more personal to me, not to Hal. He fell. What am I going to do? How do I fix it? And then, I know better. Stopping, breathing, and saying, okay, here is a fear pattern. Bring in the long-range camera. Relax. Here is an old fear pattern. I want to take good care of Hal. I want him to be happy and healthy. But I can’t control everything that happens to him. Can I just hold space for this? Can I breathe in and find the spaciousness in my heart that trusts my life?
So then, Monday, we couldn’t do anything for him. I was fretting, and it was very hard to move him. The caregivers had to double up and have two people to move him, because he couldn’t stand.
Fear—for me. I don’t know about Hal. For me. What if he has to go back into a nursing home? How can I fix this?
Then, a wise voice inside me said, “Okay, there are other people in this situation. What tools are out there?” So, I looked on the Internet and found a sit-to-stand device that wraps around his chest and lifts him up. It costs over a thousand dollars. I tried looking into Medicare, but it would take four to six weeks to get it. We needed it today, not in four to six weeks.
So, just ordering it. Trusting somehow this will get paid for. It’s needed. I trust. It’s supposed to come—that’s why my door is open, waiting for UPS delivery. Trusting.
Now, it’s not just blind faith; it’s based on these five and a half years. When something has been needed for Hal, somehow there’s been a way to get it in place. Like this aphasia group. Everything comes along as we need it. Trusting. Trusting our lives.
The next day, I finally got A-Ride willing to take him to the Urgent Care. It took a lot of doing. They can’t do this; they can’t do that. Actually, they were supposed to take him to his doctor, across town. I said, instead, can you just take him two blocks from my house? They said, “No, he’s scheduled to go to the doctor across town.”
“It’s right on your way. Please, can you pretend you’re going to the doctor and just drop him off at Urgent Care?” Well, it took me half an hour to convince them, but they finally agreed to do that.
So, I saw the part of me that became so agitated. How can I do this? How can I get him there? And it wasn’t until I quieted down, and instead of talking from a “Help me! Help me! We’ve got to fix it!”, instead of talking from that place, I was able to say, “Look, this man is in pain. You were taking him to the doctor. I’m not asking you to go in a different direction, just, please, can you drop him off at Urgent Care?” And she finally said, “Yes, okay, we can do that.”
I find when I’m stressed and hyper, it’s hard to communicate. When I quiet down, I’m able to state my needs clearly and to expect that the other person can hear them. That doesn’t mean they always will, but it’s much more likely. Not pushing it at them but inviting.
So then, there were the hours at Urgent Care, and they were really very good. I was amazed; they were good and fast. The facility was clean and not crowded. And they found nothing broken—hooray.
I got home ten minutes before I was scheduled to teach my meditation class, for which I had not had time to prepare that day. “What am I going to do?” Ahhh, I know what I need to teach. It’s okay. Just turn on the Zoom. The class was already there, waiting. And I had two hours to teach a class. Ahh…
You can look at me and say, well, you’ve had special training. But all of you have had a lifetime of training in learning what helps you to be centered and calm, and what adds fear, being frantic, your energy field in “What do I do?”mode, that kind of agitation.
I can’t see you all, only a few of you, but is there anybody who does not know what the feeling of agitation feels like in your body? Anybody? Everybody knows agitation.
I’d like each person to think of a situation—a recent situation, if possible, but if it’s a long-ago situation, that’s okay—in which there was a lot of agitation. It’s important that we acknowledge the agitation. For me, yeah, I teach this. “I shouldn’t be agitated!” comes up! No, that’s a story. I will become agitated; every human will. It’s okay that we become agitated. So, we don’t have to be hard on ourselves, that agitation has come up. Just to stop and say, “Ahh, here is agitation.”
I want each of you to think of a time when you have experienced agitation. Just something, recent or past, in which there was at least a moderate level of agitation. Think of how that agitation felt. Where did you feel it primarily in your body? Maybe in your throat, or in your chest, or your stomach, or your back, tensing up like that. Feel where that agitation sat in your body.
The first thing with agitation is to say hello to it. “Hello, agitation. Come and sit in my chair, here. Come sit beside me. Have a cup of tea. You’re unpleasant. You look fiery and sharp, and I really don’t want you near me, but you’re here. So, just sit in this chair, have a cup of tea. Relax.
“I’m going to make friends with you, instead of hating you. I’m going to acknowledge that in my short-term camera you’re huge, but when I pan back, you’re not so terrible!
Right there with agitation there is space, ease, and joy. So, for each of you, I want you to look at the agitation. Seat it in a chair; give it a cup of tea. Tell it “No talking. Just sit there and have your tea. I’m not going to get in a dialogue with you. Just sit and have tea.”
Where is spaciousness, or ease, or joy—any or all of them? Peacefulness, love. So, I want you to take that situation with agitation and then seating it in its chair, giving it tea, telling agitation it must be quiet. And asking, where is ease, space, joy, love? See if you can find something that comes that feels peaceful.
Let me say it in this way: that which is aware of agitation is not agitated. I’m going to say it again. Think about it. That which is aware of agitation is not agitated.
We have everyday consciousness that becomes agitated. That’s part of our way of being in the world. And then we have this vast, spacious, loving heart. Some people call it awareness, presence, or mindfulness. And it’s also there, and it doesn’t get caught in the stories that shape agitation. It’s the camera that pans back and can see the big picture, and can say, “Okay, this situation right now is unpleasant. But I also know that there’s a peacefulness in me, and I can access that.”
I don’t access it by trying to grasp at it or trying to push the agitation away. I access it by sitting there with the agitation and asking, right here with agitation, where is space, where is peacefulness?
Now we’re going to try this for six or seven minutes. I may say a few words, but mostly I’ll be quiet.
We start with the agitation. Then bring your camera back, a bigger picture. Think of a time when you were experiencing something similar and somebody was very kind, supportive, and loving to you. A time of similar agitation where it all worked out okay. A time of similar agitation where you were able to relax and receive the support and love that was suffered.
How blessed we are in our lives! So many people around the world could not have anywhere near the level of support that each of you has with aphasia and the different challenges of your lives. We’re so blessed.
So, coming back to this. Finding the place of tension, contracting. Unpleasant. And finding the spaciousness. Agitation, and spaciousness. Agitation, and spaciousness.
I’m going to be quiet now.
(sitting; tape paused)
Q: …muscles, and just enjoying the moment.
Barbara: Sounds perfect. And then we can take it a step further. When you’re not agitated, it’s easier to find non-agitation, to find spaciousness. Begin to notice through the day times when you’re feeling very spacious and joyful. “Ah, here is joy. Here is ease. Here is spaciousness.” Just mindfully paying attention to that. Don’t do anything with it, just notice it. Others?…
Agitation. Deep breath. And right in that deep breath is spaciousness. Anyone else?
(inaudible)
Barbara: Thank you. We all get irritated. The irritation comes up. I notice for Hal how irritating it is—and I’m sure for all of you with aphasia—not to be able to say what he wants to say. Just with something simple, like he wants the volume turned up on the TV and he can’t get the right word.
So, I think this is a place where this kind of practice can really help, because when you get irritated with something like that, with your speech, it makes it harder to speak. But when you can relax and just say “irritated, scared, tense—ahhh….”, I know, at least for Hal, that’s what helps the words to come up. And I would assume that’s true for many of you.
Anyone else?
Q: I was just amazed at how relaxed I felt. I think it helped being with a group. I’m not sure why, but as opposed to trying to do this at home alone, it seemed like I was better able to relax and let go because it was a group activity. I felt very, very still. I couldn’t really remember what my agitation was, exactly.
Barbara: Great. Thank you. I love these examples. Anyone else?
(Inaudible comment)
Barbara: I think that’s a great point. We choose whether we’re going to allow ourselves to be bothered by the things that are coming at us. We do have a choice how we relate to it. We may not have a choice that it came to us, but we do have a choice how we relate to it and can to some degree choose not to be bothered. “I’m not getting caught in this.”
I like the image of a fish. He’s swimming around underwater, and suddenly he sees a big juicy worm on a hook. Ooo! (chomp!) And he’s caught, he’s really caught. He gets himself off that hook, and he says, “I’m not going to do that again!” But then, an hour later, there’s another worm. Ooo! (chomp!) And he’s caught again. Well, how many times does he have to get caught that way, before he finally says, “Eh, not going after that worm. There’s a hook there; I’m not going to get hooked. I choose not to get hooked. Where is spaciousness?” And he swims off, and he sees the big lake or ocean around him and lots of safe things to nibble on. He doesn’t have to go after that hook.
Okay, I think we’re about out of time Hopefully, I’ll be able to be with you in person. But when I can’t, I’m happy to do it this way, if that works for you. I hope this was enjoyable for you. I love you all.
Group: Thank you, Barbara— we love you!